Dealing with the loss of a child

Editor: cupcakedreams

Grieving is a difficult but important process, necessary for healing to begin after the traumatic event of losing a child.

Dealing with the loss of a child can be one of the hardest things in life to have to deal with.

This is in the hope that it will help others that may have the loss of a child to deal with in their pain and their thoughts.

First and foremost, there is nothing that can be said to make it all go away and the way you feel is normal. No matter how you are feeling, it is normal. However, there are many many things that can help.

I lost a child and I am still dealing with it and, years from now, I still will be. The fact is, it is a loss. The other fact is, it will always be a loss and my child will always be missed. The only difference is, with time, it does get easier to deal with.

My Story

Our little baby was born premature. When I was four months pregnant, I was put on bed rest. One month later, I had more problems. After being in the hospital for a month, it went really bad. Let me tell you, I thought I had been on an emotional roller coaster but it didnt even compare with what came next. On July 2, they had to deliver my daughter by C-section. I was only 24 weeks and two days pregnant when our daughter (that we nicknamed Cupcake because she was so small and sweet) was born at 1 LB 6 oz. She lived for just 8 weeks.

She was born very premature. We met all kinds of obstacles but that little baby's will to live was so strong that she beat so many things.

Imagine your small, fragile child beneath and between some of the most sophisticated technology that exists, and there is nothing you can do. We tried to get as much information as possible and we wanted to have everything possible done for her.

In the most intimidating of all environments, we still wanted to protect our little girl. We wanted the best for her.

She came down with pneumonia and the infection was in her blood as well. We were told that most babies don't survive this. They thought for sure she was going to pass, but her will to live was very strong and she was stubborn. The ventilator was starting to cause scarring on her lungs and it became a race against the clock to get her to grow fast enough and to be strong enough to breathe on her own. Despite little hope for survival, she started to show improvement. Her spirit was strong.

She had beaten the pneumonia and the infection in her blood; they could not believe that she had done this. Even her nurse practitioner was amazed and she said that she couldn't believe it. Cupcake held out for another week after that. Late in the night, on August the 26, her oxygen levels started to drop. We tried a couple of last-ditch efforts but we knew that it was time. Her blood pressure started to drop and it started to affect her organs. We had taken her off the ventilator.

I got to hold my baby for the first time, as I should have the day she was born. I held my baby in my arms tight as she was passing away, with the nurse and my husband at my side. She held out for about three minutes and the nurse lifted her head up and told me to kiss my baby, and I did. When I put her back down to look at her, she was gone. That strong will to live did not have to fight any more and she would no longer have to be in pain. Cupcake had gone to be with Jesus.

Shortly after all this, I started feeling unexplained pain that, at times, was severe. After seeing many doctors to figure out why, I had then been diagnosed with fibromyalgia which I was told was brought on by trauma. To say the least, I had been through trauma. I did everything I could to bury my emotions. I thought if I didnt, I would go crazy and, heck, I was always the tom boy and the strong one in the family, so I thought I had to be that way now. How wrong I was.

The reason I am sharing my story is to tell you what I have learned and to maybe help anyone that has ever lost a child or a loved one. I have gone through a lot and have seen many doctors afterwards and, in the end, I have learned a lot.

The most important thing for me to tell you is, it is ok. It is ok to get mad. It is ok to be angry, it is ok.

There are stages to grief and they are all very normal. The stages of grief include shock, crying, isolation, preoccupation, physical distress, anger, guilt, regret, depression, acceptance and hope.

It is very important to grieve. One doctor explained to me, imagine if you had to sneeze and you held you nose when you did. Well the air still comes out some way, some how, whether it is out of your month, or your ears, and so on. The same goes for grief.

If you try to bury the grief and emotions, it will still come out some way, some form; no matter how hard you try, it will still come out.

So, the best thing you can do for yourself is allow it to happen: cry, cry, cry; let it out, don't hold it in, it's ok, really. When I finally did just let it out, I thought I would never stop; I cried and cried.

One of the hardest things I had to deal with is realizing that my baby never got to feel joy. I never got to rock her and have her feel love and comfort of safety.

This one is for the mothers who lost a baby due to stillbirth or death shortly after birth or miscarriage.

A psychologist told me, What are you talking about? You held that baby in your belly for 6 months. She felt joy, she laughed, and she felt safety and warmth. And the psychologist was right. To all of you that have lost a child, you did carry that baby, no matter how long. They did feel the love from you. You did rock them everyday and they know the feeling of pure joy and happiness.

That is when I cried and could not stop. But it was a turning point, and in the end, I did stop crying.

There are all kinds of things out there to help you but so many that come from others that really do not understand and so, they never really tell you its ok to cry. We have these tears for a reason. It is one of the best ways to get your emotions out.

One of the other best things I ever learned from my doctor was to breathe. I know it sounds crazy. I, too, was a skeptic until they hooked me up to monitors and proved it to me. I looked at the Doctors like they were crazy; however, they said the best thing to me, which made total sense. They said, If they could bottle it and sell it and make money from it, everyone would know about it and do it. But the fact is, they cannot. They would much rather sell you a pill.

Try to take just 5 minutes to breathe. Breathe from your stomach and not from your chest. You can put your hand on your and your hand should not move. Just take Five minutes and, with each breath, take in deep and let out slow. They had me do this, then they had me talk about everything, the baby, my mom, everything. The monitor showed that my stress level was over 100 and my temperature was up. Then, they had me breath from my stomach for 3 minutes and it brought my stress level down to 2.

How does that help me deal with the loss? Well, it allows me to just take a minute for myself. Every time I feel I am going to just explode or go crazy, I breathe. It really can help you.

Another thing that might help is reading and writing poetry. It can be a good way to cope with the innumerable feelings that present themselves during the process of healing from the loss of a child.

One of the other hurtles I had to cross is asking why? Why did this happen? Why was my child taken? Why was this little one here for such a short time? Why? Why? Why?

I think it is human nature to search for an explanation for why things happen. I have always considered myself a spiritual person but I still had a hard time with this. In his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner shared his journey toward accepting Gods ways after his son was diagnosed with a lethal disease and died at age 14. I found his words comforting and I hope they will help you, too. He said, I dont believe God causes nor prevents tragedies, he does not cause our misfortunes. How does God make a difference in our lives if he neither kills nor cures? God inspires people to help other people who have been hurt by life, and by helping, they protect others from the danger of feeling alone, abandoned or judged.

God inspires others, like the people in hospitals that spend nights and days in an effort to sustain life and alleviate pain. He inspires the police officer to put her life on the line everyday so that we can feel safer, to risk her life to save the lives of other people, no matter how dangerous. When everyone is running away, she is always running toward danger to save lives. He inspires the firefighter to go into a burning building to save the life of a loved one that is trapped even though he knows the building may collapse.

The most He promised us is that we would not be alone in our pain, and that we would be able to draw upon a source outside ourselves for the strength and courage we would need to survive the unfairness of lifes tragedies. We are all a testament of that promise.

I hope that, in time, you will be able to find meaning in your childs short, yet powerful life. If their existence can bring you to explore your capacity for strength and love, and if it leads you to discover sources of love and consolation, then you will make their life an affirmation for what is good in life.

Remember, you are never alone. Grief is natures way of healing a broken heart.

Categories: Self-Help | Motivation